Locked hearts and shattered truths

Many things falter in one day;

2009-07-07T19:36:00.004+08:00

It's been awhile;

I no longer know what is becoming of me, am i going through another change in my life? I don't know. What mattered to me in the past, doesn't matter anymore. What I thought I loved in the past, I don't know anymore. Love and miracles are merely words that give comfort to weak people. Reccently, I feel my life and everything I believe in are falling apart and I don't know who to turn to.

Be it, relationships or friendships, I don't know if I can trust anyone or anything for that matter. It's funny how 2 years worth of trust and friendship can go down the drain because of a stupid misunderstanding. I thought I knew you, guess I was wrong. none the less, I have lost all respect in you what so ever as a friend, as a person.

As I had said before, i don't care what other people think of me and they may consider what I'm going to do as vengeful or scheming but that's fine. Life's like that, there's no turning back.

2008-11-26T22:18:00.003+08:00

To kiss you under the starlight

& when the day fades to night, I'll look back at it wondering how yours went, and whether you would be thinking of that very same thing as me. Like they once said, 'Many things are beyond your reach child, one day you'll grow and be able to grasp them but for now, just be patient.'

Is it too much to ask for when all I want to do is to see your face again, and acomplish those 10 wishes with you. They're so simple yet for our time, seem so out of reach. Just like the stars are. *A shooting star, make a wish* there's no other title I will ever call you besides my girl because my hearts' been locked up and you have the keys.

Anyway, today was another boring day. stupid lessons, stupid school. yup. after school, went with kitty to novena area to eat shutiao. then from, as I took the bus back home, It started raining! "what lovely weather" Then I met daniel and his friend, for some reason i can't recall his name and we sat at the snack shop because it was raining so heavily. Finally I went home and fell asleep. awesome day.

Tomorrow's the last day of school! yeah. finally after 11 months. I've never felt more afraid to go back to school in my life. I don't know why. maybe just cause I hate it here. whatever. gonna get my blonde highlights tomorrow as well! I think I'm really ending the year off with a BANG! *& someone dies*

2008-11-16T16:27:00.003+08:00

Just screw this.

I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know what to expect anymore, I don't know how much longer I can hold out anymore, I don't know if you even care anymore, just screw this.

I think I finally know how jason felt when hannah had her confirmation and she talked about how much fun she had and stuff, right infront of jason, with the exception that jason wasn't at her confirmation and could only hear enviously about how everything went, and how all her friends were there. But him. Never mind. It doesn't matter what I feel anymore since I really feel like giving everything up. I know I shouldn't just be giving in to all this but it's really overwhelming.. you know?

amazes me at how ignorant girls can get at times. damn it. whenever guys talk about girls infront of them they get so jealous and start to show it so guys learn to keep their mouths shut and watch what they say. So that keeps us safe. but what about the girls? they just say whatever they want to. they can go on and on about this certain guy to their boyfriends and we're like 'what the fuck' but do we say anything? NO.

I really don't know anymore. I'm starting to give up on myself and everyone around me. It all doesn't matter as much as it used to and I don't feel anything inside already. It's like my heart just dried up and no emotions are left inside. If that's the way I'm fated to be, FINE. see if I give a damn.

2008-11-15T23:12:00.004+08:00

I've had my run, Baby I'm done

It's been a couple of days since I last made an entry. and it's 11:11pm right now, cool. I wonder what it'd be like to live in another country, and leading a different life, how would it be? The life I'm leading now doesn't suck but it could use some change. I no longer feel the way i once was an it's like ryan doesn't exist anymore. oh well, he probably never existed in the first place.

So, I went to marina again today to collect my pants, buy my shoes for the dinner/dance thing, and have lunch. Had this craving for subway and so I made that come true. the pair of shoes were really nice but kinda expensive. $112! after that I bought some presents for friends and then went home.

How has the past few days been? I'll answer with an "alright, not too bad, could have been better." Truth is, I don't know what I should be expecting anymore. Am I waiting for something which will never happen to happen? I have no clue. I probably need to readjust all my goals in life soon. yeah. that's gonna be the day where I isolate myself.

2008-11-11T23:07:00.003+08:00

Don't blink, you'll miss it

My days somehow seem to flash past in a blur lately. I don't know what's going on anymore, and I don't bother to remember. Yup, that's the life I lead for now. I've been feeling so tired these past few days. tired of school, tired of going out, tired of slacking, tired of work, tired of even playing. And then, when the day ends, I tend to look back realizing that I can't recall what I did throughout the day. Either I'm losing my memory or I'm going crazy I can't tell between both. Where have you gone?

so, after thinking real hard, I remembered that I went to jason's house after school earlier today. we ate chips, noodles, played dota and watched the simpsons. I wanna lead that sort of life. ohman, I did so badly for my end of years. I'm so disappointed in myself. I know I really shouldn't but it's like I'm giving up hope already on everything. on my whole life, which is wrong. Maybe I'll pick myself up soon.

Yup and so, it's only 44 more minutes until midnight.. and moving on to that special day.. I wonder if it even means anything to you anymore. You say it like it doesn't matter. well maybe it doesn't to you. But it most defintely does to me.. Oh well, some things aren't meant to be said, I guess this is just one of those things. I hope I still play a part in your life, like you in mine.

2008-11-09T00:56:00.003+08:00

My heart seems to be crying when I think of you

why is it, that whenever I think of you, I feel so lost and upset.. I always wonder if you're alright and I always wonder what you're doing. Whether you're thinking of me too. well always know that no matter what happens, you must always have faith in me. You must always believe that we will make it through, and that I'm thinking of you. Above all, I love you.

Kay so.. In the morning my mom wanted to go to this sale and so we were at around marina bay like at 11 am and it was already so crowded we decided to just forget it and leave. After that we went to somewhere near ikea and I got a new watch! so happy. Then went back to marina square and we had lunch and bought two shirts and a pair of casual pants for the dinner thing. Also watched Avenue Q and it was hilariously awesome. Now, I'm sitting in my room and it's 1.03 AM.. I'm thinking of you right now. I really miss you, you know?

2008-11-07T22:43:00.003+08:00

When you look me in the eyes

And so, this day finally came. Failed A maths and scored a freaking 58% for science but that didn't stop me from being excited for what was about to happen. I could finally see rebecca again after like almost 3 weeks? well... That certainly died off fast as the day flew past after watching 007 and soon it was 8pm already. Dreadfully, I sent her back home, not knowing when I would ever be able to see her again.. mixed feelings filled me up and I now stand on the edge of the cliff not knowing whether I should jump or not. ahh, heck. Just gonna attempt to get drunk, Good night.

2008-11-05T19:51:00.003+08:00

Why is it everything seems so normal?

"Watching the world pass me by, I feel as if everything feels so detached from me. Maybe that's a good thing. I don't know and well, I don't really care anymore. I'm just living my life as it comes along now. Things that once mattered no longer seemed to have any significance, locked out of my own heart I feel the constant urge to forget every emotion I have within me and nothing concern or scares me already.

Okay, so I went out to eat with sarah today and after that just walked around then I went home. then worked out. that's pretty much the end of my day! I intend to drink alittle tonight and just try to not think about anything.

2008-11-05T00:10:00.003+08:00

Here I am, at the crossroads once again.

And so, today was another tiring day. I intended to wake up at like say 12 pm today but ended up waking up at 7.30 because of an sms!! gahh. Oh well, after that I couldn't get back to sleep and decided to do some 'winter' cleaning in my room because my friends were coming over and I didn't want them to see the mountain of revision stuff I had on my table!

Then finally at 12, Benny came over and we exchanged games. Now I have lots of new psp games(: so happy. After that, we went to find daniel and made our way to getting the vodka. the main reason for the gathering! and then went back to play xbox. Screamed our asses to Land of the dead and Halo 2. Great shit.

More people came over later and we did nothing but slacking and eating. *Fast forward* Now, it's 12.19 AM.. Considered the next day already! I have school later. I DON'T WANNA GO! I'm already in holiday mode. Damn you school.

Ahh whatever, good night.

2008-11-03T23:02:00.003+08:00

Hey sunshine how ya doing?

"Well, I'm not doing too fine." says the sun. Hey ryan, how ya doing? "Oh, I'm doing great."

That's the difference between sunshine and me. the ability to lie. Not many are very open towards their feelings and when they do become open, people don't usually like to take notice. It was said once, "keep it under your hat, don't preach, propagate or even mention this. No one wants to know."

It's true to some extent that people don't normally want to get involved in other people's problems unless absolutely necessary and that alone is enough to scare one off. But, by not telling anyone anything and bottling everything up, won't we all become angry people and just have many mixed emotions? that's when the lies start to kick in and it differs from the sunshine which can never lie. It either shines or it doesn't.

Anyway, EXAMS ARE OVER! I'm so happy. I also went for rebonding today(: from there I met my old school friends and then some of them came over to my house while I changed and then we slacked at my house! So fun. Never run out of things to say when I'm with them and I always forget my troubles. Following that, I went to novena area to eat steamboat with my sjii friends and jinyee's boyfriend. It was tiring and I'm real tired. Yawwwwnn.

Now I'm at home drowning myself in water because I'm so damn thirsty. haha! I'll probably sleep soon too though. it's been a long day and tomorrow's gonna be another long great day!

kays night sunshine.

2008-11-02T21:14:00.008+08:00

& even when the stars fade, know that I'll still be thinking of you.

It's finally the end of the day. I really hate how my weekends are becoming now. I really hate how my life is turning out now. It's like.. I don't know what to do anymore and I always feel so empty inside. Someone help me. For someone who never had much faith, I think I'm managing quite well though. Rightt. who am I kidding.

so, I had 3 and a half hours of A maths tuition today and I'm supposed to be studying for geog now though I have no freaking mood. After tuition, made my way to east coast park for dinner and had a nice walk along some path. What a screwed up day. And we're supposed to be living every moment to it's fullest huh.

I think I wanna just sleep everything off and wake up maybe say 10 years from now. Yeah that'd be great.

2008-11-02T10:52:00.008+08:00

SUNDAY LOVE

It's a boring sunday.. And a hot one at that. Geography do you know that you really suck so bad? I hate you. And soo, it's only 11.07 AM now and I feel so stoned already. Woke up at 9 today cos I had to use the toilet. "Stupid nature call which had to spoil my nice dream" Oh well, dreams weren't meant to last.

I have a maths tuition again later! ONE MORE DAY AND IT'LL ALL BE OVER!! I can't wait. Having A maths and geog tomorrow ): Oh I read this up once before and I think it makes sense so I'm sharing it with you now, "You don't have to improve or change or strive for perfection. Quite the opposite. Just accept." cool huh.

Well, whatever it is that is out there waiting for me or whoever it is, it doesn't matter because I'll find a way to find you all one day! Haha.

2008-11-01T11:19:00.009+08:00

Geography you suck.

It's 11.21AM now and I'm supposed to be studying geog, a maths and what not.

But hey screw that! I feel so not-stressed at all! Stupid mum of mine woke me up at freaking 9.30 and I wanted to sleep till 12. Ohh well, I have no idea what the heck drainage basins and rivers are. I hope everything comes out on plate tectonics and I'll be able to ace my exams! yay.

Crap, I have tuition later. but thank god for that or I would fail my a maths. Ohoh, just now, I was watching television when some church people came knocking on my door to preach bout the kingdom of god and stuff. pretty cool except it was embarrassing cos I didn't know what they were saying.

Guess I better start reading my bible again.

Quote of the day : "Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is have nothing whatsoever to do with it."

2008-10-31T23:50:00.006+08:00

My daily routines- Yeeching

my zilian picture gone wrong.

2008-10-31T20:43:00.001+08:00

Why do we live for? What reason is there for everyone's existence? Well, those are the kind questions that have been pondering in my head for the past few days. I never thought that love could be such a painful thing to do until lately when reality started to kick in, but I guess waiting for you would be worthwhile at the end of the day. Well, quoted from my friend, " nothing is forever." That's true because forever would be nothing if you didn't have the one you loved by your side. okay enough about depressing stuff!

Today, I had my stupid lit exam and I had no idea what I was writing half the time! After that was history and that was the sex man. I fell asleep and didn't want to get up. When my papers had ended for the day, I went out with jason and benny to slack at jason's playground and we talked about life and at 3, benny and I made our way to Far east plaza so benny could extend his hair.

We spent an hour walking around the stupid place finding a good shop that he thought wasn't too 'girly' and we finally found a shop after an hour! And it was the first bloody one we saw -.- Dammit he wasted $40 on the extensions but he didn't like it! It was really thin though. I am soo not gonna extend my hair already. Time to rebond and highlight instead! Hope you're seeing this benny(:

Finally, went to buy the chicken at CHIPPYS but they were soo stingy and gave me such a small portion! ass.
kay, with nothing left to do and the time being 545, we left for home. Now I'm facing the four walls again thinking to myself, why am I writing this?